- Where was I? - Um...
"To General Mitchell, H.Q. Seoul.
"Subject: Reply to report of conduct unbecoming a commanding officer,
filed by Majors Houlihan and Burns."
Boy, those two poops are gonna drive me dippy.
Yes, sir.
All right. Here we go.
While it is true that during...
our recent Mardi Gras celebration...
I did appear as King Neptune,
I wish to point out...
that the costume worn by said King Neptune...
covered my body completely...
from the waist down,
including your pelvic region.
"Including your pelvic region."
Right, pelvic region.
Furthermore, and to wit...
- To what? - To wit.
The rhinestone I wore in my belly button...
offended nobody.
- Is "belly button" one word, sir? - Hmm?
Is "belly button" one word?
Radar, the good Lord gave us one belly and one button for said belly.
- Therefore, it is two words. - Two.
- Belly button. Good boy. - Belly button.
- Thank you, sir. - Welcome.
And, uh, in conclusion,
I think a little relaxation...
is essential...
for my men and I.
- Or should that be "me"? - Should what be "me," sir?
- Should "l" be "me"? - Do you have any choice?
Never mind. Where was I?
Ten-hut!
- What is it? - Sir, request permission...
to return prisoner Private Daniel Baker to your custody, sir.
All right. I'll handle it from here on, Sergeant.
Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
Oh! What are you trying to do to me?
- Radar... - Here's his file, sir.
It just isn't fair, Baker.
I'm going flat out all the time just trying to run this squirrel cage,
without the aggravation of you going A.W.O.L. Every ten minutes.
- It just isn't fair. - Yes, sir.
Well, what is it, son? You get ice cream on Sundays,
no bed check, movies.
- We had The Thing and The Blob both in one week. - Yes, sir!
I mean, if it weren't for the war, we'd be really having a good time.
Although, what the hell we'd be doing over here without a war, I can't tell you.
So, maybe it's just as well there's one going on...
- if you follow the way I've drifted. - Yes, sir.
Well...
It's more than quite clear that your case calls for stern measures.
The only problem is I'm just not good at discipline, you know?
I mean, it took me over six months to housebreak my dog.
Of course, there was a newspaper strike at the time.
I just don't know what to do with you.
- Uh, this message just came in, sir. - Oh, thank you.
I'm gonna send you to Father Mulcahy.
He can be a big help.
- Did you ever hear him speak? - I don't go to his services, sir.
Oh, I don't either. I avoid church religiously.
He's a good man. A very wise man.
Now, just relax, son.
Okay, Father, but I think you should know I'm not a Catholic.
Nobody's perfect, my boy.
If it makes you more comfortable forget I'm a priest.
Let's just "kick it around," as they say.
- Man to man. - I can't talk about it.
Well, I'm very good at keeping secrets.
Why, there's some things I won't even tell myself.
- What is it, son? - You're looking at it.
I don't think I follow.
You're staring at it, like everybody does, Father,
only you're too polite to say anything.
- If it's your nose... - What else could it be?
There's only the three of us in here.
My son, we're all made in God's image.
Then he must have a schnoz the size ofTexas.
Oh, forgive me, Father.
But do you know what it is to live with a blower like this?
It's ruining my life.
I think you're making it the repository of all your troubles.
I keep running away to hospitals...
to get a nose job, but they won't touch me.
- How about our doctors here? - They only operate if you're wounded.
What do I do, stick a grenade up my nose?
Not that it hasn't got room for it.
Come with me, Danny.
The sending of you to me only reinforces my opinion of Colonel Blake.
Oh, just wanna mark my place.
"Jawbone of an ass."
Baker, all a nose is is a nose.
It takes in air, and it breaks up the space between your eyes and your mouth.
It has nothing to do with a person's value or quality.
It's there to catch a cold through, or at which to look down on people from. Enjoy it.
You've been given a good, strong, aquiline nose.
That went back for seconds.
I like it. It's got character.
Yeah, it's got a sort of assertive je ne sais quoi.
And it arrives everywhere five minutes ahead of me.
You don't have a copyright on it.
There are plenty of great people with big probosci.
You know why Napoleon always kept his hand down here? He was scratching his nose.
Look.
I appreciate, and you're only trying to make me feel better.
It's only true.
You don't have to live with the jokes.
"Excuse me, but my bus is late and it's raining.
Mind if I stand under your nose?"
"Ever thought of putting in an attic?"
At my draft board, the guy next to me says,
"You could be 4-F. Just tell 'em you're an anteater."
- What about it? - The point is, kid, we're not plastic surgeons.
Yeah, it's not a tough operation, but it's a specialty.
I mean, we don't just want to "denosify" you. We want it done right.
- It's also against regulations. - You think this is regulation?
Please. What happens after the army?
What happens with the rest of my life?
What about girls? Ever think of that?
All the time.
There's a lot of people who think a big nose is a sign of sexual potency.
- Sorry, Father. - I just translate things like that into Latin.
Makes them sound noble.
Will you do it? I'd even pay.
You sure? We might charge you up to a dollar.
- Fifty cents a nostril. - You guys serious?
We will set the trusty, rusty wheels of the army in motion.
Have faith, my boy.
Do you guys have any idea how much hot water I'm in already?
I mean, I'm in it right up to my rear bumpers.
- Give us a minute, Henry. - No.
- You know Danny Baker? - Yeah. The kid who keeps going AWOL.
I swear he's just using us for his mailing address.
Have you ever noticed his nose, Henry?
Ooh, that's quite a hooter.
There's one bazoo that's begging for a salami slicer.
That's the trouble, Henry. If he could get it bobbed, his problem would be over.
Cosmetic surgery is against army regulations.
Another good reason to do it.
This is the perfect time, Henry. We haven't had any casualties for a week.
- You suppose the war is over and they haven't told us? - Oh, don't be silly.
I was very specific at the draft board.
I said I need two weeks' notice to look for another war.
Henry, you know who's a major down at Tokyo General?
- Who? - You ever hear of Stanley Robbins?
Yeah, sure, the plastic surgeon.
He does all those Hollywood people.
He's doing burn therapy and a bit of face-lifting for generals' wives.
- He does that? - He's taken out enough puff...
from their eyelids to make a comforter.
He's an old friend of mine, Henry. We did a residency together.
We could have him here in an hour, working on Baker's beak.
Don't tell me. I don't wanna know about it.
You guys have my full permission, and I never said that.
I mean, I'm not even here, so how could I?
- Radar, make an entry... - Sir?
In the daily report I wasn't here today and bring it to me so I can sign it.
If you sign it, it'll show you were here.
- Then you sign it for me. - Yes, sir. Should I sign your name?
You'll have to, 'cause I'm going to say it was a forgery.
- Yes, sir. - Well, no sense hanging around if I'm not here.
Psst! Major Stanley Robbins on the telephone, Tokyo General.
You sure you can get him up here?
No sweat. I know just which button to push.
Hello, Stosh? Hawkeye Pierce.
I didn't catch you in the middle of anybody, did I?
Good. Uh, listen, uh...
No, everything's very slow around here.
Stosh, I wanna hit you for a favor.
We got... We got a kid here with a... with a nose that's right up your alley.
He really needs a job.
Oh, you're not free, huh?
Gee, that's a shame. "The Barracuda" will really be disappointed.
Stosh, you and I have taken out some nurses in our time,
but this is really Florence What-a-Nightengale.
Well, listen, if you can't make it you can't make it.
What? See you in two hours.
- So long, Stosh. - Uh, question.
- Yeah. - Which nurse is "the Barracuda"?
As soon as he finds out, we'll be the first to know.
Hey! Whoa!
Hey, Stosh, how you doing?
- Hawkeye, how's the action? - Trapper John Mclntyre.
Stanley, pleasure. Heard a lot about you.
Maybe we can be friends anyway.
Well, I've seen the garbage dump Where's the camp?
- This is it... Downtown 4077. - You guys gotta be kidding.
- This is a khaki slide area. - Home away from home, Stosh.
If I were you, I'd call in an air strike, start all over again.
- Radar! - Hi, Hawkeye. Hi, Trapper. Hi.
Hi.
- She's not the one. - No. She's not the one, no.
To you she's not the one. What's wrong with a little appetizer?
- Radar, you wanna get the major's bag, please? - Yes, sir.
See that face? It can be saved.
- How's everything in Tokyo? - Never stops. Round the clock.
- Rough, huh? - Sometimes I get in a little surgery.
Hey, who broke my doll?
I didn't know you guys had a mental ward.
[Pierce] That, Dr. Ripley, is our commanding officer.
Do I salute or test his reflexes?
Henry, Major Robbins. Colonel Henry Blake.
- Oh, well, welcome aboard, Major. - Thank you, sir.
So, you're the well-known "surgeon to the stars," huh?
Henry's very impressed with your work, Stosh.
You betcha, I am.
Done a lot of pulling and tightening on those movie people out there, have ya?
Which ones?
Gimme a name. Just one name.
- Colonel, you're a doctor. - Gotcha. Ethics.
Then gimme some initials. I'll take it from there.
- S.S. - S.S.?
- Um, male or female? - Yeah.
- Um, Sylvia Sidney. - No.
- Um, Slim Summerville? - Beautiful.
Sid Caesar!
Here you go, Stosh, the V.I.P. Tent.
- This is it? - Yeah.
Where do you flush this room?
Stanley, let's remember what you're here for.
- All right, where is she? - The nose first.
- Whatever she wants. - I'll go round up Baker.
Hi, kids. Slip into the wrong tent?
Ah, here are the very lovely Major Margaret Houlihan...
and the even lovelier Major Frank Burns.
- Major Stanley Robbins. - Major.
- Major.
Did anyone ever tell you, with a little work, you could have the jowls of a goddess?
- Oh, Major! - Tremendous jowl potential.
We've all sure heard of you, Major Robbins. Uh...
You know, jowls can be the most sensual part of a woman,
after the soft underside of the kneecap.
Just relax, Major. Honey.
This fatty tissue has to come off, of course.
- Uh, Stosh? - To what do we owe the honor of this visit, Major?
Social. We go way back.
Actually, he built me in his laboratory.
And it's time for his 3,000-mile checkup.
Turn your head and cough.
Nice of you two to pay your respects, but the major will only be here for a while,
- so if you'll excuse us. - Oh, certainly. Great pleasure, Major.
If you ever wanna reach me, I'm at Tokyo General.
Just leave the message "jowls." I'll know.
Very exciting type... spatulate fingers. One drink, they tear you apart.
- Save yourself for the big game, Stosh. - Yeah, when do I meet her?
As soon as you chop a few feet off of Baker's nose.
A plastic surgeon in a field hospital.
Don't you think they're up to something sneaky?
Oh, if you do, I do, Frank. I trust your sneaky instincts.
How does that one strike you? And remember a nose job is not a haircut.
If you don't like it, it won't grow back.
- Gee, I don't know. - Tres sportif.
I bet it cuts down on wind resistance.
Leave this to me, huh? You two guys living in the armpit of the universe,
and you're trying to help a world-famous artist.
- Can I see another one? - Of course.
Gee, I never realized how hard it is to pick a nose.
Do me a favor, huh?
Big winner. Very popular number. This job paid for two Cadillacs.
I'd call that paying through the nose.
The wit in this tent flows like molasses.
All right, all right. No hurry. There's more.
- [Baker] Hey! - You got taste, kid.
I got that one for my wife for her birthday. We're in business.
All right, Hawk, where's "the Barracuda"?
Now, come on. It's been hours. I'm getting a headache.
Stosh, after the operation. She's not going anyplace.
Yeah, we got her idling in neutral.
Watch it. You happen to be talking about the woman I love.
When can we do this, Doc? The sooner the quicker.
Gentlemen, synchronize your watches.
Operation Nose Lift is about to begin.
## [Whistling]
What am I signing, Radar?
Well, it's concerning that thing you don't wanna know anything about, sir.
You know, the reason why you're not here today.
- You want me to sign this pass? - Yes, sir.
- Someone going somewhere? - No, sir.
Then, why does someone who's not going anywhere need a pass?
- Well, if I explain it to you, then you'll know. - Yeah.
- Also this, sir. - [Exhales]
- Okay. Radar? - Thank you, sir. Sir?
You're not going to wind up owning my car, are you?
No, sir. Will that be all, sir?
If you say so.
## [Whistling]
I appreciate this pass, sir.
Can I bring you anything from Tokyo?
Yeah. I'd like one of those hot-water bottles,
- about 37-24-35. - Yes, sir.
All right, Father! Right, Father, baby!
Right down the middle here! Hey there, Father, baby!
Hey, you got a good, strong arm there, Father.
Well, you develop a lot of muscle wrestling with temptation.
All right, right in the... Hey! Hey, Major Burns!
Oh! [Chuckles]
Very good, Frank.
I want the windows on those doors covered.
- Yes, Doctor. - We'll just need the one table.
- Once we start, nobody comes in. - Right.
- I'm counting on you to keep quiet about this. - I'll add it to the list.
Let's get it straight! Right down the middle!
Burn it in here! Oh! Oh!
- Kid, are you okay? - My nose!
- Let me see. Maybe I can help. - I don't think so, Frank.
He needs a doctor. Corpsman!
- What's the big tzimmes here? - He got hurt playing catch. Poor lad.
Lucky for you, young man, I just happen to be in Korea against my will.
- I think it's broken! - It does look like a break.
Don't worry, Radar. We'll set it right away.
You'll be smelling again in a week.
- Get out of my way! - Nice of you to offer to help, Frank,
but you do realize we just happen to have Stanley Robbins here,
one of the best nose men in the business.
- That's right! - What an opportunity to observe!
Uh, well, Robbins never allows anybody to watch his work.
Sometimes even the patients can't get in.
- You're talking very fast, Captain. - Try listening slow.
[Man On P.A.] Attention. Major Robbins report for emergency surgery.
Major Burns, report to the C.O.
Major Houlihan, report to Supply.
Those are the major announcements for the day.
- How's it going? - It's a great operation.
All we need is a doctor and a patient.
Sorry. The door was blocked.
- Never mind. Take your clothes off. - For a nose job?
They say that to everybody.
If I sent for you, I would be the first to know.
Well, can you think of a reason why you might send for me?
Rarely, Frank, if ever even then.
- Well, that's ridiculous. - The whole thing's dumb, Frank.
- Are you calling me dumb? - You said it, I didn't.
- Come on. - Where we gonna look?
The nurses' quarters. Try every tent.
By the time he's finished, there won't be a misshapen feature in the whole outfit.
Except for Robbins himself.
Let me go! Oh, you're an animal!
- Let me prove it to you. - Stop it! I'll scream!
You'll scream. You'll holler. You'll sing. You'll become a symphony.
Major! [Screams]
- How's Radar? - Oh, he's fine, Father. I'll explain later.
- I need Dr. Robbins. - Well, seek and ye shall find.
They certainly foresaw every contingency.
Dr. Robbins in here?
I wouldn't be a bit surprised.
Have you seen... Oh, my goodness gracious.
- [Screaming] - Tell me the truth, what's your nickname?
- No, that's a lie! - You're "the Barracuda," right?
- No! What? - I've known hundreds of women, Major,
- please be one of them. - I'll crack you across the face with this!
- I knew I could count on you. - [Screams]
- Stosh! - Oh!
I never thought I'd be glad to see you.
You chop him in half, you'll find your grandmother inside.
Doctor, please, let's remember who we are and what we're here for.
- Oh! - Hey, Trap.
Major Houlihan just had her pulses taken by an octopus.
- Saint George time. - [Sighing]
There, there, my Margaret.
Ain't nobody gonna harm y'all, lessin' you leave ol' Uncle Trapper's arms.
Oh!
You got a fast hand, Stosh.
First doctor in Beverly Hills to break the four-minute nose.
- Swab. - Swab.
If I could work on your eyes for half an hour, you could be a star.
- I don't wanna be a star. - Then just give me the half hour.
- Stanley, the patient, remember? - If this guy thinks he's got problems,
I've had noses that had to be wheeled in on two tables.
- Sponge. - Sponge.
You got a nickname, honey? What do they call you around here? Hmm?
Well, they called me Red for a long time, but it was just because of my hair.
- Yeah, I'm holding. - Be advised, Colonel,
General Mitchell will hear about this in my weekly anonymous report.
- What are you doing here? - I was drafted, sir.
Your nose is supposed to be broken.
Uh, yes. Well, Dr. Pierce said it was just a sprain...
and if I keep off it for a month, I'll only have to put liquids in it.
I'm a doctor, and that's crazy.
I've heard that, sir.
I have bigger fish to catch than you.
Uh-Uh-Uh, Major, telephone.
It's your wife. Your anniversary call.
- But that was last month. - I just got through.
Louise?
Yes, it's me, darling. How are you, sweetheart?
Oh, gosh, it's good to talk to you, honey.
- Who the hell is that? - It's my wife!
What? Uh...
Oh, Major Houlihan just came in.
[Chuckles] Hi, Jim.
- Beautiful job, Stosh. - Hmm. Beautiful's the worst I can do.
Back home, that half hour would have cost you a grand.
But because I like you and respect you, it'll only cost you one big nurse.
Or two small ones, and I'll give you change.
All right, Pierce. There's nothing wrong with Radar.
Who did you just operate on?
- Surgery on the nose can't be hidden, mister. - He's right, you know.
- Everything roger, Doctor? - Roger and dodger, Doctor.
You'll all be in the clink,
soon as we find out who you performed surgery on illegally.
Great jowls. Great.
Stosh, you came through like a trouper.
- We really appreciate it. - You're thanking me?
I've been the recipient of a farewell I may have to write up in a medical paper.
- If I live. Ciao. - [Both] So long, Stosh.
Hey, Virginia, this is a "Barracuda."
Girls, anybody here know, uh, Stanley Robbins?
Do you know anybody who knows anybody who knows Robbins?
Anybody have a nickname here that...